Most of us think we’re good at receiving feedback. We like to believe we’re keen to grow and therefore open to constructive criticism that helps us learn and get better at what we do. And yet, almost all of us have felt that tension and hesitation when it came time to give someone else critical feedback. Sometimes we held back because we weren’t sure how it would land. Other times, we avoided it because similar attempts had gone terribly in the past.
If so many of us say we’re open to feedback, why are we so afraid of how others might receive it? And why do so many of us experience strong, negative reactions when we do try to share it? Wouldn’t most people welcome our feedback with open arms and genuine appreciation for the gift of awareness?
So what is really going on, and why do so many of us find it so hard to actually give and receive feedback?
The Psychology Behind Feedback Conversations
Psychological research has shown that most of us are not very accurate at perceiving how others see us. But the direction of that inaccuracy isn’t universal and not always consistent across different aspects of who we are.
Some studies have found that most people tend to rate themselves as better than the average person in a wide range of positive traits. Statistically, that can’t be true for everyone. You can try it yourself: do you believe you’re above average in intelligence, compassion, kindness, morality, or collaboration? Most people do. This is known as self-enhancement bias — the tendency to view ourselves more positively than others might.
Researchers argue that this bias may play an important psychological function. It helps us maintain the self-confidence, optimism, and motivation we need to take risks, stay productive, and move through everyday challenges. But self-enhancement doesn’t show up the same way in everyone. There’s ongoing debate in the field about how this bias is shaped by things like gender, age, ethnicity, and cultural norms. Research suggests, for example, that women are more likely to rate themselves highly in areas like kindness or collaboration, while men are more likely to rate themselves highly in self-agency or intelligence. The important point is, we all carry internal stories about who we are and these stories are shaped by our environments, experiences, and expectations of us.
In addition, many of us also have a self-serving bias, where we’re more likely to credit our success to our skills, abilities, or effort, and less likely to attribute it to luck or external factors. But when we observe others, we tend to flip that script. We’re quicker to blame their character or personality for mistakes, and slower to consider the situational or systemic influences at play.
So what happens when you bring these biases into a feedback conversation?
There’s a big gap in perception between the person giving and the person receiving the feedback.
They are seeing two different versions of reality. From the feedback giver’s perspective, the other person isn’t as competent as they think they are, and the issue seems to stem more from a personal shortcoming than from external circumstances. But for the person receiving the feedback, their internal narrative might sound very different. They may genuinely believe they’re performing well, or that the outcome was shaped by external factors. And for someone with a self-critical bias, the feedback might not just clash with their self-image, it might confirm their deepest fears and push them into a spiral of shame or self-doubt.
How that feedback lands often depends on the relationship. If there’s little trust or psychological safety, it might feel like an attack. If there is trust, the feedback might feel more devastating, precisely because it’s coming from someone whose opinion carries weight. Either way, the message is challenging the person’s sense of self, which can feel destabilizing or even threatening.
And when we feel threatened, our nervous system reacts. We fight, flee, or fawn. We might lash out, shut down, or scramble to “fix” ourselves to regain approval or social safety.
None of these are ideal states for learning, reflection, or growth.
Rethinking Your Approach to Feedback
None of us are immune to bias. We all carry stories about ourselves, shaped by our experiences, identities, values, and the need to feel good about who we are. So when feedback feels hard, whether we’re the one giving it or receiving it, it’s rarely just about the words being said. It’s about what sits underneath: the identities we’re protecting, the assumptions we’re holding, and the level of trust we have.
We’re not offering a simple script or three-step formula to fix every feedback conversation. But we hope this deeper look into the psychology behind feedback gives you something to reflect on, and maybe even shifts how you think about the next conversation you need to have.
If this sparked something for you and you’re curious about what a meaningful shift might look like for you or your team, let’s talk.
Get in touchReferences:
Brown, J. D. (1991). Accuracy and bias in self-knowledge. In C. R. Snyder & D. R. Forsyth (Eds.), Handbook of social and clinical psychology: The health perspective (pp. 158–178). Pergamon Press.
Cannon, M. D., & Witherspoon, R. (2005). Actionable feedback: Unlocking the power of learning and performance improvement. Academy of Management Perspectives, 19(2), 120–134. https://doi.org/10.5465/ame.2005.16965107