Tension is a natural part of working with other humans.
You put two people together — each with their own preferences, communication styles, ideas, and personal histories — and there’s bound to be friction at some point. Even in our own business, tension happens. Not long ago, Angela (my business partner) and I hit a rough patch — our biggest challenge to date. We didn’t talk for a few days, and at one point, we both questioned whether we could keep working together. Watch a video where we talked about our experience navigating this here.
At the end of the day, having friction isn’t a problem in itself. In fact, it’s often a sign of difference — and difference is what makes teams stronger, more innovative, and more resilient.
When people feel safe enough to bring their full perspectives, healthy tension can actually lead to richer conversations, better decisions, and more creative outcomes.
But not all tension is productive.
So when does tension start becoming a problem?
When Tension Becomes Harmful Instead of Helpful
There are two moments when tension tends to become a real issue on teams:
1. When it goes unspoken
It’s not that tension doesn’t exist — it’s just that no one’s saying anything about it.
Team members may feel they can’t safely share how they really feel or what they’re thinking. Or, just as often, they feel like there’s no point — because the last few times they raised something, nothing changed. The conversations went in circles, got shut down, or quietly disappeared. So over time, they give up. Silence becomes the norm on the team while resentment and frustration simmer under the surface, causing disruptions, delays, and apathy.
2. When people get stuck in their own interpretation
Instead of seeking to understand each other, people get stuck in their own version of the story. Everyone’s talking, but no one’s listening. Each person feels misunderstood and unheard, and the space between them hardens. Even well-intentioned feedback or compromise gets filtered through a lens of mistrust.
It’s uncomfortable and awkward, even for those who aren’t directly involved in the difficult conversation themselves.
What’s the Leader’s Role in All This?
Whether you’re directly involved in the tension or you’re being pulled in as a mediator for team members who can’t resolve it amongst themselves, there’s a role for you to play as a leader.
If the situation involves you — whether it’s with someone on your team or a peer from another department — it can feel personal, distracting, and heavy. You’re trying to focus on your goals, but the tension lingers in every interaction, draining time, energy, and trust. And if you’re being pulled in to mediate between others, the pressure’s just as real. You’re expected to be fair, calm, and effective — all while keeping the peace and moving the work forward. When that doesn’t happen, it chips away at your credibility and sends the message that this is just the way things are around here.
What Many Leaders Get Wrong When Managing Tension
Most leaders want to address tension. The issue is: no one’s shown them how to do it in a way that works.
So they try to talk it through…But it doesn’t go well. Feelings get hurt, the problem gets worse, or nothing changes. And after a few of those experiences, they start avoiding it altogether — not by ignoring it, but by working around it.
Here are a few common ways that shows up:
- Changing the process to avoid needing to work with the “difficult” person.
- Adjusting team rules or policies to indirectly address one person’s behaviour.
- Bringing it up with the whole team instead of the individuals involved.
These strategies don’t resolve the issue — they just delay the inevitable. You might buy yourself some short-term relief, but eventually, the real conversation comes knocking. And when it does, the stakes are usually higher, the tension thicker, and the team more fatigued from carrying what was never addressed in the first place.
So What Can You Do Instead?
There’s no perfect formula for navigating tension, but here are three places to start:
1. Get clear on what “better” actually looks like
Not every difficult conversation ends in peace, and not every resolution feels neat. Instead of defaulting to harmony, ask: what would meaningful progress look like here? Maybe it’s a clearer boundary. Maybe it’s airing out what’s been left unsaid. Maybe it’s enough clarity to move forward — even if things aren’t fully resolved. Rebuilding trust takes time, but momentum comes from one small, honest step at a time.
2. Get clear on the story you’re telling yourself about the situation
Everyone has their own version of the situation when tension arises, and sometimes your perspective can get in the way of moving forward. Ask yourself: What do I know about this? How do I see it? How might the other people involved in the conversation see it? What’s important to me in this moment, and what’s important to them? How am I feeling about it, and how might they be feeling? Answering these questions can help you broaden your understanding and see things from a different angle. When you’re able to look at it differently, you’re more prepared to address it differently — and that might be just what’s needed to make progress.
3. Get support
Many leaders unknowingly reinforce the very dynamics they’re trying to fix. If difficult conversations seem like an ongoing challenge, it might be time to bring in a neutral third party to help. Difficult conversations aren’t something to avoid; they’re a vital part of a healthy and diverse team. External support can guide your team in rethinking how to approach tension and building practical skills to navigate differences more effectively. When needed, we can facilitate dialogue, identify the root causes of persistent tension, and help you define a path forward.
This service is for you if:
- Your team tends to avoid hard conversations or difficult discussions.
- Your team is uncomfortable with giving and receiving critical feedback.
- Your attempts to resolve ongoing tension have not been successful.
- You observe low trust, high tension, and lack of cross-functional collaboration within your team.
Final Thought
Difficult conversations aren’t a failure in leadership. They’re part of the job — and part of the opportunity.
The more we learn how to name these moments, hold space for them, and move through them with care, the stronger our teams become. Not quieter. Not more agreeable. But braver. Clearer. More trusting.